Monthly Archives: July 2016

Sitting On A Bench.

If I were to sit on a bench with you. At the age you should be.
I’d ask you about your day. What your favourite thing to do would be?
Have you got a scent that makes you warm and fuzzy?
We’d lay a blanket on the floor, lay ourselves upon our backs,watch the clouds form shapes. A sheep,a dinosaur a candy floss tree.
I’d look into your blue eyes,if that were so. Or daze into your brown eyes,that I’ll never know.
We’d have a jam sandwich, and you’d eat quavers,just like your dad.
You’d tell me you love to hear your siblings, how they make you smile.
We’d talk about anything that’s troubling you, and your excitement about your new school.
We’d look out over to the sea. Wave to the far away ferries,in case they could see us too.
I’d close my eyes for a moment, and take in our togetherness.
I would be able to sense you fidgeting,after all you should be 4.
The sudden volume change of the crashing waves, the noise of the seagulls, circling over head in the hope for a crumb or two.
My realisation hits,the silence that replaces you next to me.
You’re gone.
The hour has gone.
Of course it’ll never be enough.

It Didn’t Feel Right Not To Do Something.

I try to be organised with my uniform shopping every year. I’m not keen on mad,last minute crowds. I like to get it all over and done with,apart from shoes,those I’ll do later.
All my children who need back to school accessories, have their things. Jumpers,bags,trousers socks.
Except one of my children I’ve only needed to buy one item,something small. She doesn’t need it,but this is the year she should have been leaving play school, and beginning her journey into reception iin September.
We had excited conversations about how one would leave primary as one would begin.
My son would speak excitedly about how he’d show her the ropes,he was going to be the proud big brother.

Of course he will get to do his job,but not for another year.
And not with Melody.
New secondary school uniform was purchased, it didn’t feel right not buying Melody something either.

Weird? I hear you say. 
I’m the person, if you buy for one,you try and buy for them all.
She should have been starting school this year, crisp new uniform. Even a brand new design of jumper for the school. 
At least she should have.
It didn’t feel right not getting her a piece of school memory.
Of course it didn’t feel right buying a jumper for her to never wear either. 
So,a tie. 
Representing her should have been year of starting school. 
We’re even sending cakes to her little sister’s playschool, because it should have been her leavers party too
It didn’t feel right,not to do something.
It’s set me back a little. 
I kind of expected it. But it also has caught me off guard at the same time.
I have so much love for all the parents of missing four year olds this year. I hate that we’re not alone. 
It’s a moment.
I’m ok.
It’s allowed. 
I’m missing a milestone.
I’m missing my girl.
I only had a chance to grow for a short while. 
My memory remains. 
I never grew too fast.