Monthly Archives: March 2016

Lost

In this day..31st March 2012 we left the special care baby unit on such a high;so happy, excited for the following day,excited for the coming weeks.

I will always remember, I know I’m expected to forget,to stop bringing it up… “I’m only torturing myself”.
I’m not. I’m holding on tight,to the little memories I have of our little girl.
I am terrified I’ll forget her. Forget ever second of her 35 days.
I’m busy in life,in family, sometimes too busy to think,to remember and process my grief for our little girl.
So the dates I have 26th February-1st April 2012,I hold on to so tightly,I’ll re-tell them over.
Because it helps me…
I’m not hurting anyone,I’m not hurting me.
There is of course readers who feel saddened by my tales,my memories.
But your moments sadness, can get easily forgotten, to the next parenting blog or news article.
Or pretty butterfly.
Remember that wisely.

On this day in 2012,as I said was amazing,it really was our final day of ” the before “. We of course didn’t know.
At home that day we made the preparations for the next day.
John and my son were to stay home. My daughter and I were going to spend the whole day at the hospital. She was going to be allowed to have a cuddle,to help with nappy and wash cares if she wanted to,she was eager, excited.
We were then going to have a picnic lunch in the little grassed area,in between the hospital and a stream. Peaceful.

It was going to be perfect.
At home the day continued, my daughter returned from her party. She was now looking forward to a day with her sister.

Whilst we were in our happy bubble. At the hospital things were changing. Melody was changing.
We phoned that evening, as we did every single day, I could never do that phone call. I was always scared.
We were told she was feeling poorly, not to worry.
We heard nothing until the following morning, when once again we phoned.
Nobody phoned us over night, we weren’t given a chance to have longer,or to give (in some cases) life saving kangaroo care.
We’d left the hospital with a hope that our baby was coming along nicely. She was healthy. She was coming home…
Our baby was dying, without her parents,we didn’t know until we walked into the unit.
Arriving only 15 minutes before she died. Fifteen minutes,will selfishly never be enough.
Those hours, not knowing how scared she was, not knowing if she felt pain.
They put her through a lot in her final hours.
We were oblivious.

So,so many questions that still go through both our minds.
But not one can now change that our baby died.
I’ll always feel helpless.

On this day, our lives were different.
Reading back through “On This Day” over on Facebook, looking through the countless comments,likes support for our baby girl thriving.
How different the people who comment,support is from then to now.
We aren’t the only ones who changed.

To Make a Difference.

 

Towards Tomorrow Together

A year or so ago a lovely lady approached me with her wonderful plans of an idea to help bring the community together. A much needed service for the people of our town. In particular to offer decent maternity service,that sadly lacks in a lot of areas due to funding.

At St Mary’s was born.
Not only to offer much needed Maternity Services but a variety of other support groups in the area.
A venue that has had various groups over the years such as Brownies and toddler groups.
Set in the grounds in one of our beautiful churches, it will now become the home for my very own project,a project of course that is close to my heart.

When I was first asked,I felt so thrilled to be given such an opportunity. Unfortunately I became I’ll,so my project went on the back burner. Until recently have started to go full pelt,into getting it up and running.
I am thrilled to say I have support the Somerset charity
Towards Tomorrow Together. Who help provide support to bereaved parents.
I will look after the branch in my town.
I’ve (hopefully) provided support online and hoping I can continue face to face.

We have a launch date of Tuesday 3rd May 2016, At St Mary’s starting approximately 730/745.
I feel so honoured to be able to have this opportunity.
We will have monthly meets,and a rainbow group to eventually follow.

Please head over to our group TTT Somerset Baby Loss Support Group. Where we will have dates and more information.

I am also looking at a name change for my group. It is currently Cake and Cuddles. But with discussion would love to incorporate Melody’s name.
Any ideas greatly received.

Thank you for reading.

I wish Becky and her team the best of luck. Thank you to you,Sue and Mel for giving me a chance to make a difference.

The Butterfly Awards…A Nomination.

In April 2012, a day for fools and jokes a plenty…we became bereaved parents when our gorgeous micro preemie princess died. Leaving us broken, forever changed.
When we left the hospital behind us we had no idea what the future held for us. As a couple,as a family as part of friendships.

The taboo of baby loss swamped us on many occasion,even now almost four years on, we still have to hear people tell us our situation, our journey,( which rightly or wrongly to me is our daughter), is offensive. People don’t want to hear about baby death.
Why would they? (Apart from raising awareness of course, to save other people).
With the friends turning their backs,crossing the road and family turning our grief in to their own with no thought for the hurt it caused.
I turned to writing.
I’d always loved writing, but kept this love hidden; well until I met my husband in 2009. But it wasn’t until Melody was born,that I really found a use for it. Documenting her life in what began as a NICU diary in the hope I would have given it to her once she’d hit maybe 16 or 18. But of course our 100 day NICU journey ended at 35 days instead, turning my positive diary into a place I could vent, hide behind paper and pen as it were.
When the rest of the world turned away,I had my trusty pen and paper. Of course I was then able to document my pregnancy after her death. (Which in turn I published).
As well as putting my thoughts into a diary I took to blogging.
I shared, some people read it, and it really does mean so much that people do.
I hope that Dare To Say To Say It Out Loud, has given at least one person hope. To know they’re not alone…

Anyway..the point..
This morning checking my emails I discover an email from The Butterfly Awards.
The Butterfly Awards are an organisation who bring awareness to a subject that as I’ve mentioned before is incredibly silenced.
An appreciation for organisations and individuals who’ve helped support or be inspirational to others.

This for me is why I feel utterly shocked I have had a nomination (blogger/author) for an award.
To be told I’m inspirational, when at times,especially as we’re in the time of the anniversary of our daughter’s life,feel far from that.

Although I know I won’t get past the nomination stage,I feel incredibly honoured to have been nominated.
And will look forward to an evening not only with my husband,but with hundreds of others who so cruelly should never,ever be part of this community.

Thank you to who ever reads my rambles and for getting this far on this post.

Exciting stuff.