Monthly Archives: October 2015

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty One

Sacred Space
I’m not really sure we have anywhere that is “sacred” as such. 
She has her resting place, I still believe that is where she is, I’m now in a place where I am “okay” with this. I’ve tried forcing feelings of she is everywhere, that she “sends things”, but actually it makes me feel heavy and just doesn’t sit right with me. Especially when other people made it feel like they were taking her away from us. That wasn’t right, no-body should ever make grieving parents feel that way.
We don’t visit her grave often, because she is there, that bit I’m not overly comfortable with, but that isn’t “right” she shouldn’t be there.
We do try and make it pretty, and if the children want to visit more often, then we do.
But it isn’t my idea of something “nice”.
Here is her beautiful headstone, three and a half years on, and the colour is still bright. There is even fairy dust/glitter on it. 
We are trying to do  garden for her at home, but finances, weather and commitments are just slowing us down, we will get there….one day. 
We do have a shelf for her in our lounge, I had a moment recently where I wanted to take it down, I spent ages feeling guilty that we didn’t have a shelf for her, every one else seemed to have one for their babies, but we didn’t. I was relieved when it went up. Now I’m not so sure.
But it remains there, it isn’t a shrine. 
Its just a little piece of someone who is missing, when there should be toys.
It holds a photo of her and a photo of a Carly Marie Sand Picture.
A Buzz Light year
Three Fairies
A Go-Go
A sign
A Daffodil Pound coin
A Cloud Baby
Two or three candles, one being her main one as it is personalised to her.
Its not the best of pictures, but is the most recent.
It’ll remain on the wall for now.

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty

Forgiveness and Humanity
CarlyMarie Quote : 
True forgiveness can never be forced so if you are not feeling it – then you are not feeling it!
Unfortunately, this is me. At least at the moment. It no longer eats up at me, but I don’t have a heart or mind strong enough to forgive. 

I cannot understand, how people think it acceptable to treat another human being with so little compassion or empathy. To only appear once the hard times are over…this isn’t just baby loss, this is also the aftermath, and life after. 
If you’re going to be a friend, a good friend you can’t just pick and chose what part of our life you want to be involved in. 
It is cold. 
If my children ever had the hell of losing a child, I would be there for them, no matter how hurt, angry they were I would never stop showing I cared, or to give some kind of empathy.
I would hold their hands and never let go, hug them until their broken pieces stayed in one place. 

So right now forgiveness is something, I am not ready to find….

#captureyourgrief Day Nineteen

Year in, year out I share the song we played for her funeral, 
Sia – My Love. 
I don’t think Sia’s version is on YouTube any more, and cover versions do not do it justice. If anyone hasn’t heard it, it was featured in the film Eclipse. 
I would also mention Police – Every Breath You Take 
Or Amazing Grace, Bag Pipers. 
Music is really important to me, it can take me off guard, it can make me smile, make me cry…
I have stuck with the same few songs that remind me of her, with the occasional new one.
This year I’ll share one, that caught me off guard in the car a few days ago, for me the majority of the lyrics brought out a tear…
Ed Sheeran’s Photograph
“We keep this love in this photograph

                                        We made these memories for ourselves
                                           Where our eyes are never closing
                                               Our hearts were never broken
                                                  Times forever frozen still”

#captureyourgrief Day Eighteen

Seasons And Symbols
Would have to be Spring, yellows, the bright colours all remind me and her dad of her. She brought the spring sunshine, which in turn meant the daffodils. 
Big significance, in that they don’t live very long. 
They may not be the most beautiful flower, 
in fact there are far more stunning flowers out there.
But they’re what is drawn to us, because they’re spring. We had them at her funeral too. 
We had gorgeous sunshine the whole time she was alive, vests and flip flops in March! 
Sun burn too. Simply beautiful. 
It rained after her funeral. 
Day 15 in March, I am wearing a vest top! 
Symbols, crazy one would be fairies (butterflies too), but they’re renowned in the fantasy world of being naughty, cheeky little creatures, most of all tiny and incredibly beautiful.
Which is exactly what Melody is…
I have fairies on her shelf, she’ll have fairies in our garden, she has them (and daffodils)
on her headstone.
Full of colour. like her.
Our Disney Fairy..

#captureyourgrief Day Seventeen

Secondary Losses
The loss of relationships have been the biggest things, the utter betrayal, the shock of people’s behaviours during the time when we needed them most, is beyond me. 
From when I begun to become poorly with Melody, I used social media a lot as a way of venting, it was also easier to update people rather than several phone calls and texts. 
I had “friends” rather than offer support, take what ever I wrote and used it against me, like when she was born. In the beginning the children liked to visit Melody at her graveside often, it wasn’t a choice we made, if people had bothered to ask, we don’t actually feel comfortable visiting too often, but we don’t begrudge the children, we have been completely led by them. Only for “friends” to gossip that we were visiting too much, spending too much time there, even suggesting to the children that we spend all of our days in tears on the sofa….
Ignorance and quite hurtful. 
Family members wanting us to move on, or not mention her name. 
Told us the children had said we didn’t love them any more because Melody had died…
When that was the absolute opposite to what I felt for Melody’s siblings, if it were possible I fell in love with them more. 
These people never seemed to have taken a genuine thought for us. 
Although I’d rather not have lost Melody to see people in these colours, but she had shown me just how dark these people are, to build walls. 
Sadly its destroyed my trust in humans. If people think it is acceptable to beat you whilst you’re already vulnerable, then they’re simply not decent human beings. 
If only we weren’t the only ones to see it…
I also lost a job choice, I used to love the care industry, whilst pregnant with Melody I was working for a care agency, I saw so much.
But after losing her, I could no longer face it, there would be no way I could work in that hospital again, I couldn’t bare the thought of helping to save others, whilst my baby died.
I couldn’t….
Selfish I know. 
Stolen Innocence, I see things so much more differently to before, I won’t go into the details, because its private to me, but burying your child changes you. 
I see things clearly now

#captureyourgrief Day Sixteen

Creative Grief
In the beginning I had all these wonderful ideas of raising money in her memory, raise awareness, make a change. Which we did, we raised £120+ at a Car Boot Sale, £1300 at our big fundraiser and about £50 at our final Ice Cream Party. 
But it became so disheartening when people didn’t turn up, or support we stopped focussing on it. 
We also attempted a community wave of light, advertised…there were 5 of us there. 
It has been hurtful, so creating something in that respect has been disappointing.
I’ve always loved writing, at points in my life I’d have people take the mickey, about me putting pen to paper, especially, if I felt I couldn’t say things out loud. 
I felt embarrassed and hid my desire to write away, until I met my husband. Whilst pregnant with Melody I wrote her journal, which I’ve already shared here. But I’ve carried on, through the blog and I am working on my first couple of Novels.
I may not be particularly good at what I put out there, but I love it. Love it even more that I don’t have to feel embarrassed by it. 
I have included Melody in a story, but I won’t reveal here just now. 
But I am excited. 
I have these pieces of jewellery, one from my husband, which now needs updating 
(not hinting in the slightest), it has our family tree, including the nicknames we gave our miscarriages. 
Melody, and of course my living children.
The second piece was a reward for taking part in a film, raising awareness of baby loss. 
Feel very proud to be a part of. 
I am Sacred…because of you…

#captureyourgrief Day Fifteen

Wave Of Light
United Kingdom
Being part of this community, it really does show that horrid, cruel things happen to very good people. Although I don’t have a choice but to be in this loss community, I feel so honoured to know some of the most wonderful, nicest of people.
Tonight I am thankful that once I reached the doors of The Hotel California, I was met with open arms and warm hugs. Where I could also reach out my arms to the people walking in behind me. 
Making sure the doors remained open.
Tonight I remember Melody Caitlyn
Born Sunday 26th February 2012 at 13:46. 

Feisty from the moment she was born, until she closed her eyes peacefully

Sunday 1st April 2012. at 9:30.
For a brief moment, my tiny little stars who never made it passed a few weeks
2003 11 weeks,
2010 7 weeks, 
2010 5 weeks, 
2014 6 weeks.
Not forgetting all the babies who I am honoured to know their names and their 
beautiful mummies. 

Thank you.
We don’t always need candles to light our way, 
when we have a community who makes our own.
My News Feed has been glowing bright
Far too many candles lit.
Far too many children gone.

I hate being a loss mum.
But I am so honoured to know so many special families, and to know their lost children.

#captureyourgrief Day Fourteen

Express Your Heart
I really have no idea where I am on this. 
I used to think grief was such an ugly thing, well of course it is. But it has re-booted my thinking, the way I see things, the way I feel. 
It’s so ugly that there is a beauty to it too, born from something so black and so cold moving to a lighter feel, less chilly. 
Melody has taught me so much, about life, about being a decent human being, looking out for the decent people out there too. 
(Google Images)
I’m at a stage, where I am at war with myself, actually have mentioned a little in a future post, so being careful not to repeat too much. 
I feel sometimes that I’d like to be normal. 
To reply,”I have 4 children…” with no head tilt to follow, or awkward back story.
I’m at a stage, where I feel like I want to put everything about Melody, grief, relationship…everything into a box (or should I say another box), put her away in the attic. 
Even thought about removing her shelf, because at times I feel we placed it to feel “normal” in the loss community. But we won’t be removing this part of her.
I feel selfish
I feel guilty for thinking the way I do. 
But I do, and I know nobody has a right to judge me..nobody
I don’t want to forget her, it is not what I am saying, 
in fact I’m not even sure what I am saying
or even know what I mean. It is almost like I don’t know how to express what I really am feeling right now. 
I know we’ll never be complete, no matter how many children we have, the pure significance of our loss, means there will always be a person missing
It hurts.
I’m enjoying the life I am leading at them moment, of course some days are treacle walking days, but right now, I have my family, my adventure family, my majorette family and my AP family. And most importantly my PAIL family. 
But I’m at a place I never, ever thought I would find again. 
I can smile, laugh have fun. 
Then very rarely I get hit by a heavy feeling of missing, I feel like I am drowning.
I don’t want that any more. 
But at the same time I don’t want to silence the love I have for my daughter. 
I’m sure I will find the right balance.
I just (and I always will), wish that things were different, she should have been here.
My FIVE children.

#captureyourgrief Day Thirteen

Regrets And Triggers
Trusting people. 
My one “major” regret would be that looking back I 
confided and trusted the “wrong” people. 
To have things I had said, whether I’d had a moment of anger or frustration or even upon visiting Melody at her graveside, I found people would eventually come to use these against me, or do the things I had spoken about. 
This and instead of focussing on my raw grief, I worried about other people’s thoughts and feelings, when quite frankly they thought very little of ours.
I personally think my grief was then directed on these things rather than the loss of our precious daughter, imagine taking away the first feelings or photos you have of your newborn baby when it is first born, because of other people. 
Well it is how I feel, I can’t get those early days back and made comfortable, its misty through thinking of everyone else. 
I often question whether I was too open, did I talk about our loss too much?
People tell me I didn’t, but here I am questioning myself.
I regret not knowing about cold cots or the fact that we “could” have stayed with her longer…we weren’t told.
Triggers, will of course be the hospital, things like not walking the same side as the unit when I had to return for appointments, I couldn’t park on the bottom floor, this was where we parked when she died, can’t go to the main entrance of the hospital, as that is where we re-grouped in the cafe. 
I hate going to the bakery that is situated under our old living space. 
But these are things I can and have dealt with time and time again.
My aim is to now not let my regrets over, really what are “silly” things, define my relationship with grief, I can’t change things, but I can certainly learn from them.
These are where my regrets should be tied. 

#captureyourgrief Day Twelve

Normalizing Grief
The first thing that springs to mind here would be talking, talking about the children who have died. 
but really…
How Do You Normalise Grief? 
My normal, could look different to someone else’s normal. 
I see things in my own way, that I think is very personal to me. 
For instance I don’t see Melody as an Angel, I don’t begrudge anyone else the title of Angel, it is what ever that person finds as a comfort to them, but to me parents call their live children Angels, as much as I wish Melody were an “Angel”….she isn’t. 
But that isn’t for me to say, it is wrong, 
it is a comfort thing for that individual person or situation.
There is nothing normal about being a bereaved parent…nothing
I find myself living almost a double life, from speaking openly to baby loss parents about things that non-bereaved parents would have absolutely no idea about, and feeling “normal”. 
Listening and feeling almost relieved to hear someone say “I know” and mean it. 
The other side is a feeling of being torn, between telling the truth about Melody, or leaving her out. 
I pick my moments, where I feel comfortable. 
If I can pick and chose when I share Melody I am far better prepared for some kind of reaction, rather than to be caught off guard. 
I am always weary when I meet new people, in the hope to make new friends, I worry about putting people off, most people I meet are amazing human beings, but there are people out there who simply do not understand, and child loss should never be mentioned.
I remember going to one of my first sling meets, back in 2013 I lied about Melody existing, only mentioning her (at the time) three siblings, it felt easier, but I felt guilty.
On the journey home I had that sudden gut feeling that I was utterly wrong, as these new friends befriended me on social media, they would find out my secret…
Actually I didn’t need to have this fear, because they proved to be great friendships. 
Caring, understanding and took me exactly as I am, Melody and all. 
Grief is one subject that remains a silent topic, especially child grief there are expectations to be over the sadness quickly, to move on, forget and even replace. 
People are incredibly blasé about baby loss, telling parents they can “always have another” or “better luck next time”, words that would certainly never be used to a grieving widow or a child losing a parent. “You could always get a new dad…”
I am hoping in time the more infant loss has been spoken about the less it will be a taboo subject. Hoping people will one day come to realise that it isn’t contagious, the parents aren’t crazy. 
We are allowed to mention them. 
And that no-one will feel like they are living a double life. 
Wasn’t really sure on photo today, so as I am trying to normalize my grief, I was show off my reason for being here. 
Our beautiful girl.
Our Miniature Hero