Monthly Archives: October 2015

#captureyourgrief Day Thirty One

As I’ve reached the end of this project, I’ve come to realise I am in a completely different place, to my very first Capture Your Grief in 2012. 
Which I guess is the whole point.
I am seeing things differently, it is really difficult to put into words. The only thing getting from brain to screen, is that I don’t want to be a bereaved parent any more.
 I can’t walk away, or forget her it is impossible, but I am finding a different place. A new focus. 
I can never explain what being a bereaved parent feels like, or having the need to switch off. 
As the sunsets on Capture Your Grief 2015, I’ve found the realisation that I’ve made the decision not to do one next year. (Although of course I may change my mind). My head wasn’t fully in the project this year, it had always been a way for me to open up, to speak about unasked questions. As the time has gone on, with less and less interest, it only makes my healing harder, because rather than concentrate on my personal healing, I’m thinking of other people. I’ve done this far too much within this journey. 
So at this moment in time, I shall be attempting to switch off, focusing on positive that Melody gave me. Moving forward in a way that I will no longer be “just” the bereaved mum, I want to be normal. Enjoy the most wonderful people I have in my life. 
To enjoy this Christmas as if it were my first, taking in the smells, the colour and the beauty. 
Learn that Melody is indeed all around us. She always will be.

These photos are at 31 Days Old.

For the few who follow my blog, I will continue to note things here and there, just taking a break from Capture Your Grief. 
I need to find me again. 
I am Melody’s Mummy, I always will be. 
I am still and always will be standing

Taken a few weeks ago. 

#captureyourgrief Day Thirty

Looking back from my very first Capture Your Grief back in 2012 to this year’s I would never have imagined that I would have some kind of feelings of peace. 
The world seemed like a heavy and ugly place, nothing was right with the world, babies aren’t supposed to die. 
October will always be Six Months post anniversaries, six months until, that’ll never change. 
But this year I’ve found to be living and grieving differently. 
That is the thing I can live, I can breathe. 
I am allowed to look forward to things and be excited. 
I feel this year’s entry for me has been a lot more positive than previous years. As I share this over on Facebook, they have the Time hop and reading back through different days I can see a difference. 
I don’t know what has changed this year but something has. 
For anyone in this community, especially new people, I would recommend to do Capture Your Grief, if you’ve the time because for me personally it has helped. 
Here is a couple of pictures of Melody at 30 Days Old.

Little cutie pie.
I do not regret a thing about having her in my life, for only a short time. 
I do only wish we could have kept her. 

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty Nine

What Heals You?
My little family.
Taking photos. 
Its all helped me through, to be where I am today. 
I have to take photos every single day, we take memories and things for granted. 
There is always some kind of story behind them all. 
We all are characters in one big story, some have a great main story, whilst others are waiting for their big scene. 
I’m not healed, just retuned differently.

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty Eight

Reach Out
For me this would be supporting others. 
I don’t expect anything out of giving support, but I feel the need to help people feel less alone. 
It isn’t something it seems I can do face to face, but during the time I’ve been part of this community, online has helped me to give something back. 
To help give support in the same way others gave me. 
To help spread the love we all have for our babies, without embarrassment and shame. 
I am however part of a little organisation, BLM Secret Sisters. We secretly send each other a card once a month for two months, then the third we have a reveal, where we send a gift, revealing our stories and making friends. 
One of my reveals.

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty Seven

Self Portrait.
I hate, having my photo taken, my face only reminds me of being hurt, because of what I look like.
But I would like to share the phases of me in my journey of losing Melody. 
I think eyes tell a thousand stories all by themselves.
This one being an unbelievably personal photo. 
No words…
 This Photo was taken a week after her funeral, we had escaped for a few days, whilst my older two had gone on holiday with their dad. 
We felt numb.
Thirteen Months after death. 
Learning about life again

26 months after saying goodbye.

Life After Loss. 

I find it hard to believe until I look at these photos, especially together, how far we have come. 

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty Six

What am I grateful for?
They say being part of the baby loss community, would make it hard to be grateful about anything in daily life.
But actually for me personally it is the opposite, yes I do see the world differently, I think this makes me even more grateful. 
The love I have around me, in the beginning I had my husband and two children to help me out of bed, I had no choice but to get up of a morning, to keep smiling, to keep breathing. 
No question about it.
Now I have two extra little people too, I don’t really see them as rainbows, its a beautiful concept. 
But there won’t be any “after storms”, because we live with this every day. 
Sadly people do think that once you’ve had a new baby you’re fixed. 
Instead they are our Sunshine babies…the four of them, because even if we are having a stormy day, the sun still shines, maybe hiding behind a thick grey cloud but its always there. 
Just like Melody’s siblings, although not hiding. 
Every single day I am grateful to be able to get up and breathe another day.
Grateful that Melody brought me people, friendships. 
Whilst showing me true colours of people who should have been there. 

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty Five

Earth Remembrance
After yesterday’s long post, I’ve really not a lot to add here, 
we can’t really do our garden until early next year, finances dependant. 
So today I will share a Rose named after Melody, by her Grandparents
So a very short and sweet post today..
We do have huge plans for her garden. 
We’ve still £35 that was given as a birthday present to her by toddler group, something I’ve not forgotten, but too fussy to spend it on something, that I will change my mind on!
It HAS to be perfect

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty Four

Choose Your Breath.
I never realised just how painful grief can be until 1st April 2012. 
I’d experienced grief, from losing a pet form, losing grand parents, losing my dad suddenly. 
Even the end of a relationship grief. 
In forms where I thought my heart had been broken, when actually none of the above made me hold my breath, feel out of control, never made me feel like I was physically smashing into tiny pieces. 
I could actually feel my insides rip. 
No cliché, no made up feelings. Broken, smashed. 
This would never be fixed. 
I’m not saying losing a grand parent or parent is fixable…death isn’t fixable. 
But, it really is hard to explain and it isn’t comparable to losing a child. 
It’s not the order of things. Memories never made, dreams shattered. 
I just never imagined to be so many types of grief, and different expectations for the types of grief either. Nobody, and I mean nobody crossed the road when my dad died, hugs condolences, even from strangers. When our baby died people avoided us. 
That wasn;t my expectations, people think it is acceptable to tell you to move on, to try again…better luck next time. 
Nobody ever told me to get a new dad. 
Nobody wants to hear about child loss. 
I don’t want to hear about it, but my choice was taken. 
So, I think this has been my main shock discovery on how different grief is, to me to you, to society. 
I just expected the same level of care. 
I shouldn’t have, I know. 
I do very occasionally get frustrated by the lack of understanding from people, their ease of having a baby, their ease of parenting. Thick un-popped bubbles. 
Even people who seem to crave the attention of being a bereaved parent. 
Now, that I cannot understand. Nobody ever wants to swap though….
Its not that I would ever wish this shit on anyone…ever but to bottle up some understanding, rather than pretence, when actually it is damn hard to explain the true day in a life of a bereaved parent. 
Its ugly. 
Children are so unbelievably precious. 
Gifts, that some, for some reason take for granted. 
Where am I?
Well I am 
Three Years Six Months Three Weeks and Two Days into this journey. 
I can’t say that I am comfortable, and I can’t say that I am complete, neither go hand in hand with having a dead daughter. 
But I am at a place now, where I feel peaceful, I cannot change anything, I cannot bring her back, I cannot remain angry at the hospital. 
I’m at a place where I need to have guilt free giggles, guilt free Christmas Shopping, when I haven’t brought Melody a wind blower, or a bunch of flowers, I’ve found a zone, where I am ok with this. 
I am at peace with my self on this one. 
I have living children, who need to have the most magical of Christmases, who need a smiling mummy and daddy. Giggles. 
We do still include her, we just can’t include her in everything we do. 
I’ll remain open about her to some degree, her younger sisters will in time understand that there is a baby, a sister as well as a headstone and pictures frozen in time. 
I’ll continue to speak about her to chosen few, at given times. 
I’ve five children, nothing or nobody can change that. 
Grief and Healing can co-exist, only I feel led by the people who are grieving. 
there is no right and wrong way to grieve, there is no time scale. 
Grieving parents should never be rush or forced into getting over it..that’ll never happen. 
But I guess a form of gentle healing, gentle grieving can really go a very long way. 
Every one does wear grief differently. 
All I can do is keep breathing.

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty Three

Love Letter
I actually don’t know what to say to you this year. I have been so focussed on you not being here, my grief for you; that I’ve almost forgotten that I have a love for you too. 
Things have changed, I have changed…I need a brighter focus, I need not to forget you, but I need to be stronger, to walk with my head held high. 
I don’t want to hide you away, I am not saying that, I can’t move on in a way moving forward would mean for any other bereavement. 
But I need to tuck you away, safe and warm. A place where only the people who know you will appreciate you. 
I feel guilty for feeling this way Melody, but I do. I don’t want to forget you, I’m never going to forget you, you’re my daughter. 
But I am tired of being a bereaved parent. 
I just can’t do it any more
I’m sorry, I always feel I let you down then and I am again now. 
But I need to take back some control some normality, I know this is a new normal, things for me are forever changed. 
But I no longer want the many months of feeling like I am drowning, like I can’t breathe. 
You’ll always be our special little girl, we’ll never forget you. 
We’re just loosening the shackles, 
because we don’t deserve to be weighed down this way.
We spent an amazing 5 weeks with you, I hate that you’re not here. 
I’ll always wish that things were different.

I’m truly lost for words today…

#captureyourgrief Day Twenty Two

Dreams And Rituals
There have been dreams of Melody, dreams that I can never, share only with my husband. 
Not ever.
The cliché dreams would be that she should have been our honeymoon baby, after two miscarriages, we thought she was it, our changing luck. 
But no..
I guess the only rituals we have, are things like going out for lunch for her birthday, and visiting her grave and also on the anniversary of her death we tend to visit her, 
although this is the date we hate more.
We like to have her name written everywhere and any how. 
We have asked for her birthday that people write her name in a creative way, we had some lovely ways of her name being written. 
We also love it when people write her name in the sand when they are on holiday, almost like she is having some kind of adventure. One of our favourites is our American friends, whom we’ve never met, but were a friendly ear;  they included her in their wedding day. 
it was subtle, and not over bearing, just her name on a black board, with bride and groom stood either side of it. 

We have this hung i our lounge wall..

Last birthday we didn’t really do anything, because I was poorly, although my closest friend made sure she popped her head in and even took Kelsi for a couple of hours. 
I felt awful for not doing something for her. 
We eat cake on her birthday too.