Monthly Archives: May 2015

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Eighteen – Family

Day Eighteen

My family consists of 
My Husband who has been my rock, and more. Proud of him.
My 10 year old daughter, who has been so strong, so amazing. Proud of her.
My 7 year old son, who also has been so strong. Proud of him. 
My 5 week old daughter, the girl who lived, but didn’t make it. Proud of her. 
My 2 year old daughter, who has no clue what has happened, yet but she will. Proud of her too.
And of course the rest too. 
Family doesn’t always consist of blood. 
Because blood doesn’t always make family important.
Its the ones that stick around, and doesn’t always ask or judge. 

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Sixteen – Books

Day Sixteen

I’ve not really read a lot of books about the grief process, I kind of just resorted in forums and the occasional blog, feel can relate more to the more personal blogs. 
I, myself have self-published Melody’s story which then led to the birth of her little sister. 
This is the book I turned to when Melody was born, her journal my thoughts on when she was in the NICU the roller coaster that was having a micro preemie baby. 
Then I needed an outlet when she died, I could open up, really open up; my thoughts and fears. 
Of course the journey that was our “rainbow” just how hard
a pregnancy after such a loss (and not an early miscarriage) is physically and emotionally. 

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Fifteen – Soul

Day Fifteen

I’m not really sure where they want to go with this. 
With concerns of Melody,  I find it incredibly hard to think of her soul, being all around us. 
It is something I struggle with a little, I find the concept of angels and fluffy clouds hard.
I think its wonderful that people have this comfort, as I said previously people’s grief is very personal and very individual. 
I don’t see that I have an angel, people with living children call their children angels if they have been good, yet my child isn’t living. 
Being a little angel sitting in a big cloud high above makes it sound, like she’s in a better place, there is no better place than being here with us. 
Although we’re not as blunt with the children, they do know too that she isn’t an angel.
With these in mind, it can make it difficult to visit her at times, because all I see is her resting place and that IS where she is. She isn’t flying high.
I wish I didn’t feel like this, and at times I feel abnormal, because I have never had signs like feathers etc from her like other loss parents. 
But there are so many other things I beat my self up over about Melody’s death. 
This one is at the bottom. 

#MayWeAllHeal….Day Fourteen – Wisdom

Day Fourteen

Not sure if I have any wisdom if I am honest, I am still learning myself. 
Some days I can feel a new normal, others, something hits, bang its a bad day all over again. 
I would like to think I have managed to support some newer fellow loss mums through the online community I am in, letting them know they are not alone. 
Give bits of advice, things that maybe we missed out on like hospital care packages, make sure parents know that most hospitals do in fact offer these if not give suggestions, 
like having two teddies, one for baby one for parents then just before burial or cremation, switch teddies so baby has mum and dad’s scent, and parents have baby’s scent. 
This is something I wish I knew about at the time. 
Too late for us. 
When some mums question their feelings as being irrational, or other people telling them their feelings aren’t normal. 
When actually if you’re not a bereaved parent you can’t really comment on what is normal child loss behaviour, because firstly it is individual and secondly it is incredibly complex. 
There is no “Getting over it” or “Time healing all wounds” 
My wisdom would be, if anything to grieve however you feel comfortable with, there is no time scale, no two people’s grief is the same. 
Don’t let anyone rush you. 
The only thing that isn’t normal about any of it is having to say good bye to your child.
There is nothing right about that. 

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Thirteen – Courage

Day Thirteen

It isn’t something I see in myself, for me personally it hasn’t been an option of  being brave and courageous, just have to keep going. 
So I’ll talk about how courageous Melody was. 
She was a fighter, a damn good one at that feisty, hitting Drs away, crying when she had a nappy change, of course fighting that ventilation.
But it was the day she died, she filled me with awe. 
When we arrived, her little heart was being worked on, it had already been restarted 5 times by this point. But that little girl, not much bigger than a bag of sugar even on death, didn’t shed one tear. 
Of course she must have known what was coming, she was placed in mine and her dad’s arms, ready for the ventilation that she was put on over night, to be removed. 
She had her eyes slightly open, as we said goodbyes,, as our tears hit her soft face, and hair. 
She went so peacefully, although we begged her to stay, begged her to not leave us. 
She closed her eyes and slipped away. 
She was always so brave throughout her whole journey, and never complained even when her eyes were sore from the horrid procedure she had leading up to her death. 
She was just our brave little princess. 
I wish we didn’t have to let her go.

#MayWeAllHeal….Day Twelve – Support

Day Twelve

Well of course as the cliché goes, 
“You certainly know who your friends and family are, in times like these” 
Really is very true. 
There are the ones who were there with the initial news, but then left, because I guess grief should only last for so long. 
The ones that were never there, only ever out for them selves. 
“Isn’t it time you got over it?” 
“Are you not feeling better or is it just the baby?”
Then there are the unexpected ones, who arrived for support and never left, may have been from the minute of the loss announcement, or a bit further down the line, the ones that don’t look in horror when you mention “One of my babies died”.
Online support has been absolutely amazing. 
Strangers from afar, yet have become almost as close as family. 
For these last few I feel very grateful. 
We didn’t really have the support from the hospital that other parents usually get, we felt locked out in the cold at times. 
Support for me, is people allowing me to include Melody in conversation, to listen and to not change the subject, or compare. 

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Eleven – Creating

Day Eleven

Making memories. 
Like to try and create a collection of Melody’s name being written, in sand around the world.
Not just sand but any different ways, so get friends to do this if they feel comfortable. 
Then we scrap book them.
Love every single one of them..

These were all for her second birthday in 2014.

#MayWeAllHeal… Day Ten – Mother

Day Ten

Was something I had always wanted to be was a mum and like most mothers their worst fear is of course that of your children dying.
With losing Melody and the events after losing her, helped me to realise more, (not that I didn’t really not know before), just how precious children are. 
Never taking anything for granted, especially that children die. 
I’ve never been in the “cuddle brigade”, you know hug your child tighter because someone else’s has died or is seriously ill, because in reality children should be cuddled. 
I am a mother to all my children, even though one is not longer here, losing Melody (but not because of her) has taught me that no matter what, or how old your child should always come first. 
To never let your child feel let down or lonely or even belittled in anyway. 
Especially if your child goes on to go through the worst thing that can ever happen to them. 
I feel so incredibly lucky to be the mother of the children I have. 
Each and every one of them I am proud of, especially my older two, who met and said goodbye to Melody, they surprise me in how they behave surrounding her death, bringing her up with no fear. 
I am proud that I have had something to do with that, they have broken the taboo for their generation. 

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Nine – Self-Care

Day Nine

Talking it out, I know I am probably judged for continually talking about her, or bringing her up in conversations about children etc. She may not be here, but she still is my child, and she still has a story to be told. 
Writing, hence why I am here. 
It really helps me to bring things in the open, 
sometimes I do find it hard to express things face  to face, especially the deeper things. 
Putting them in written form for me is as good, if not better as therapy. 
I’ve spoken to a volunteer before, and the charity are amazing (CRUSE), 
but personally losing a living breathing baby, is very, very different to say, losing a parent or grandparent, so sometimes talking to people may not always help. 
So writing it out, I reach out to others, but people also read and say, yes I feel that way too. 
You’re not alone.