Monthly Archives: May 2015

#MayWeAllHeal….Day Twenty-Seven – Ritual

Day Twenty Seven
Only ritual would have to be celebrating her birthday. 
We do try and visit often, and particularly on special days, like Christmas, Mother and Father’s Days.
She is still part of these days.
We bake a special birthday cake for her, we usually go to lunch, but this year we didn’t as I was unwell, couldn’t visit on her birthday either, but we did the following day. 
We also buy her a little something too. 
Her first birthday was of course her headstone.
Second was a personalised frosted glass candle holder.
This year

Her very own Frozen ‘dolls’ although we didn’t leave them with her, through fear of them getting tampered with, so they will eventually go in her garden at home. 

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Twenty-Six – Signs

Day Twenty-Six
I’ve already briefly mentioned that I don’t really do signs, I did slightly in the beginning.
In the belief she had gone to a better place etc, but as time has gone on, there is no better place than with us. And I don’t really have signs from her. 
Especially when others say they feel her and she is their guardian angel etc. 
She’s not.
In the beginning saw the weather as a sign, throughout her life we had early spring.
Glorious Sunshine. I was wearing vest tops an flip flops all through March. 
Which is very unheard of. 
The morning of her funeral it was lovely weather, we were able to o a balloon release
we were able to have a dry internment.
As soon as we arrived at the wake venue, it rained heavily.
It stopped when we were making our way home, but carried on for weeks and weeks afterwards.
Five months after her death I began counselling with CRUSE bereavement service.
It was one on one home visit, each week a feather would float by the window as if Melody was listening in. 
But in reality, although I would love so dearly to believe it, I knew really it was a bunch of seagulls that used to like staying on our roof. 
I hope maybe one day I will learn some signs from her. 
But I think of it this way, as my way of coping. 
And I can’t force these feelings. 

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Twenty-Five – Happiness

Day Twenty Five

It took almost two years to find some kind of new normality.
To smile, and not fake some kind of happiness.
It will always be a different happiness,
compared to people who have never watched their child being buried.
It can be I guess frustrating for on lookers
take for example the pregnancies I have had since Melody, they’re supposed to be a happy occasion, new life, a new baby.

But they bring nothing but fear, and anxieties triggers of some kind, reminders that there is still and always will be a grey cloud lingering over these type of things.

Christmas is one of my favourite times of year, but now it is heavy.
Torn between happy and missing that small person at the table.
The missing gifts under the tree.

I can allow myself to be happy.

But it will always be different.

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Twenty-Four – Dreams

Day Twenty-Four

Before Melody, we had the dreamy idea of our honeymoon baby, our fresh start into married life.
We had gotten married, we had moved to “our” new home, 
next of course was new baby/honeymoon baby.
That dream happened with her birth.
But it of course turned nightmares into reality..
Which is something I won’t go further in to.
I’ll miss her for always.

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Twenty-Two – Time

Day Twenty Two

For a long time time stood still whilst everything moved around me. 
For me time hasn’t and never will be a healer. 
It reminds me of what I’m missing out on her development her future.
The more time passes, the further away it has been since I held her. 
Too long to have held my own child..

#MayWeAllHeal…Twenty-One – Symbolism

Day Twenty One

Daffodils and Fairies (of all things).
The day she was born, it was glorious early spring sunshine. I, of course could only judge via my hospital bed through the large windows. 
Daffodils are usually present through the time she was alive, they don’t live long, much like our little lady. 
Fairies we have on her headstone, she was a feisty cheeky girl, much like how a fairy would be. 

#MayWeAllHeal…Day Twenty – Reflection

Day Twenty

I’m not really sure about this one, as for me looking back, the only thing I would do differently.
Would be to have our daughter survive.
To have learned more about everything…EVERYTHING that happens in the NICU. 
Asked even more questions, to have gotten to the hospital sooner.
So many things I wish I could have done differently. 
Forever wishing.
I have met so many people on this journey, hate that we’re on this journey, that we met because our children died. 
But I feel so incredibly honoured to have these women in my life. 
Looking back they’re one of the reasons I was able to carry on. 
I very much wish that things were different. 
I wish Melody had survived, I wish I knew why she hadn’t.