Monthly Archives: April 2015

The Missing Easter, lost faith.

As with all holidays, there is always going to be that obvious missing little girl. 
Easter is absolutely no different. 
Although we don’t do piles and piles of Easter Eggs, there is still one missing. 
Easter always being scarred by the plans that should have been in 2012. 
In 2012 Easter landed on my eldest’s birthday, we were going to do visit Melody in hospital, Pizza Hut for a birthday lunch, another quick visit to Melody, then home to hunt for Easter eggs and eat chocolate…..
But it wasn’t we managed a birthday party for normality, although our normality was ruined by a member of the family, making our grief into theirs. We desperately didn’t want to cry or be sad for my eldest, it was her day….but there is always one that had to make it about them. 
The day was suppose to be so, so different. 
Easter Bank Holiday will now always be remembered as counting down the days until we had to say goodbye, a funeral for a baby. 
Counting the days away from when we last saw our girl alive. 
Walking in to the Church to prepare ourselves for the day, an Easter Garden (It looked a lot like Makka Pakka’s Garden).
Having to hear stories of Jesus resurrected, an adult, 
where our poor, poor baby never had a chance to have one life. 
“God needed another Angel” Why mine? No second chance on a life she had barely begun. 
Shine Bright Like A Diamond. 
Baby Girl
Unless you have truly walked in a bereaved parents’ shoes,
these thoughts will never be understood

Our April Fool’s Day.

Everyone jokes about being pregnant on this day, as if having a baby is a massive joke. 
No thought to anyone in their friend’s circle, that someone is in pain, through infertility or through loss. 
People think it’s acceptable. That those who are hurting are just insensitive, should just suck it up…after all its only a joke.
You wouldn’t catch people joking about cancer, or heart failure. 
Its just not acceptable.
Our April Fool’s day is far, far from a joke. 
Every single day since that one in 2012, I wished, hoped it had been one of those jokes.
I even asked after we had been stabbed with the words, “she won’t survive” I asked if it was some horrible joke. After all its April Fools.
I could of course avoid social media, the outside world on this day, but wondering if it really is too much to ask just to have a thought. 
When some of us turn to social media its not to feel sensitive. Its for support.
When our little girl’s ventilation was removed, we didn’t just lose her, her future her hopes and dreams. 
We gained nightmares, sobs, friends family walked away. 
My poor grieving husband had to endure rumours from family members that he was abusing his wife.
Listening to accusations from people assuming we were crazy, because we are bereaved parents. 
Listening to people call or compare your precious living baby to an early miscarriage or even a termination.
Eye rolls, the obvious hidden views from friends on Facebook, because you dare to speak about the loss of your child. 
Its boring. The initial, attention has bored them, there’s only so many status’ of sympathy and thoughts you can give. 
Watch your pregnant friends turn their backs because you may infect them with baby loss.
Because, its contagious don’t you know?! 
April Fool’s day 2012 we walked out of the hospital with a box destined for the rubbish, not even a nice box that other loss mums and dads get.
A butter box, with a red book a couple of leaflets and Melody’s belongings. Not even the baby loss package.
Wouldn’t have hurt less, but a thought we mattered would have gone some distance.
While people joked they were pregnant or some other baby related joke. 
Our baby died. 
16 other babies died that day too at least.
Someone else would have had a miscarriage, or dealt the news that their IVF had failed for the 5th and final time.
So maybe have a tiny thought before you post that joke.