Monthly Archives: September 2014

October Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Month

A little reminder that beginning October 1st, I will be participating in the
A moment to remember that I am not here to upset anyone or to offend any one. 
I am joining in with this project as a form of release for me. The healing I find in this project. 
I want to share with you the love that I have for Melody, a more open view with a different kind of love that I have for my living Children. 
My daughter has also requested to take part in the project, I am so incredibly proud of the young woman she is turning in to. Siblings, especially young ones can get forgotten a need to protect them, but like many others stories, there was nothing we could have done to have protected them from the death of their sister. They were given just as much hope as we were. 
Many people assume that because I already have children, that the loss of Melody means less, life should move forward quicker. Well the truth is it doesn’t move any quicker, there is a thicker type of treacle to walk through, carrying grief for your children. No days in bed sobbing, no days rocking in the corner. 
Instead you’re told your child is dying one day, the next day it’s breakfast time and normality. 
An auto pilot. A Grief on Hold. 
No choice but to breathe…
So this is why I think it’s amazing that she wants to join in too
(she’s already planned 2 of her days!)
She spent time with her, her sister even gave her the start of a smile. 
I really hope you will follow me through the whole month, as I intend to complete. 
This Is My Journey. 
This is Melody
I can take you hand and I will lead you forward…
Siblings at play, how children should never play together. 
(Second one she is trying to kiss her) 

Losing more than Melody

As time moves forward, the time spent with our little girl goes further and further away, you realise that you’re able to breathe, to open your eyes with out painful tears. 
To speak about her with a smile, a relief to be able to speak her name with not so much of a pity, head tilt look. You realise that actually you’re living a normal that you never thought you had, or would ever reach. 
Certain situations are easier to get through, a crying newborn baby, doesn’t strangle your heart. The pregnancy announcement, that doesn’t make you want to curl up in a ball and cry…”Why not me?”
You don’t really know when or even how you reached that point of calm, but it can definitely be a strange place to be. 
Then something happens to you, something that isn’t new, it takes you by surprise, just by how much the loss of Melody has indeed changed me. 
That to me there is nothing worse than having to say goodbye to a little girl who we did spend time with and fall in love with. 
A new kind of numb, where you’re not sad by the circumstances, confused not knowing what to think, a realisation that actually you still are and will be broken. 
A cold exterior, that brings you back to the realisation that actually being a bereaved parent changes every thing about you! 
And although at this moment in time, I’ve no thoughts or beliefs of where Melody may be; but I do know that she has shown me a way that, can protect me from a unnecessary heartache, and that what will be will be and  for me there is no bigger force than that of saying goodbye to our little girl. 
I’m not cold, I just see things differently..

October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Once again we’re heading toward that time of year again, to raise awareness and to speak of our babies no longer here.
I wanted to give a little heads up to anyone who reads, who doesn’t want to see, or who has friends who would find my sharing of Melody….offensive. 
I have joined in with the Project Capture Your Grief since 2012, it is helpful, and not so much healing, but a chance to speak bare-nakedly things about Melody, that I don’t normally share apart from a select few. 
The first year was incredibly hard, whilst pregnant with our 4th child, I was grieving, torn in raw pain and terrified. I just wanted to talk it out. 
I wanted to make sure her memory was being kept alive, a way to honour her, to know that she existed. 
Only last year was different, because sadly for some ‘human beings’ they think it is acceptable to attack grieving parents, to want to show and speak of their lost children. 
Society in general think that baby loss should be swept under the carpet, and that is precisely what the month is about, to stop the taboo. Although we cannot stop people attacking us in our rawest of time, we can continue to fight against it. 
Last year I was bullied and called upon for writing, standing up for parents, not for showing pictures, but by talking. 
My photos of my live daughter were attacked. 
I felt beaten. 
I couldn’t quite see why I should continue sharing our precious daughter. 
A time to hide her away. 
Strangers telling me my daughter is IS less than perfect because she died… I continued until the final day, although the event was closed down, through tears I wanted to finish it for our little girl. 
So this year thankfully the project will be going ahead, only it won’t be a public event, details are to follow. 
I will however be blogging it again, because quite frankly I have absolutely every right to speak about Melody. 
To tell you she had 10 fingers and 10 toes, to tell you she had blond hair. 
I’m allowed to say that I missed her first steps, I don’t know her eye colour, but I know she loved her siblings voices. 
That she existed. 
I will not stop speaking about her, not ever. 
I will break the silence. 
I am her mum, broken, but still standing.