Monthly Archives: August 2014

Foot Prints In The Sand.

In the height of the taboo of baby loss, it’s hard for a parent to have special days out, parties family occasions, without it being noticeably obvious that there is a little pair of feet missing. 
I’ve really felt this, this week. So many mile stones that our little girl would be heading up to this year. With time certainly not healing, I think although there are less tears, less of the sick feeling, as the time moves forward the bigger the hole, the hole that should be 2.5 years old. 
I regularly get asked why I take my camera everywhere, since losing Melody, which I think only a bereaved parent can feel the true meaning of this, is that is makes you realise just how precious life is, the memories you make, are often the ones that are hard to repeat and sadly hold on to. 
Although people say we are lucky to have so many photos, she wasn’t supposed to die. There certainly isn’t anything lucky about that. The photos I took of her in NICU were to embarrass her as she hit her teens. To look back on how far she came. 
So to carry on the family memories, the family photos, isn’t actually as straight forward as most people think, it’s not lump them all together and say “CHEESE”. There is always our daughter missing. 
So last year we asked people to write her name in the sand on their summer outings, little ways to know that someone some where is thinking of her, even just for the second whilst they are writing her name. Some people don’t like talking about her in case they upset us, well quite the opposite. 
Although not many people participate, we absolutely love every one that does them. 
Once again this year we requested the same. 
Here is Melody’s footprints in the same (not just sand either)
Bexhill. UK
Devon.UK
Dicky Beach
Sacred Seashore R.A.O.K gift.
Indiana. Remembered on their wedding day. 
(2014’s favourite)
Lyme Regis UK
Lyme Regis UK (different person)
Perth Australia. Mother’s Day present from my beautiful girl.
Florida
North Yorkshire
Norfolk UK
Buttons!!
Soft Play! UK
Another Sacred Seashore piece
Saunton, by us. Joining us on our mini family break. 
Play park written by us. Devon
Sidmouth UK
Skegness
Isle of Skye
Weston Super Mare
Westward Ho
Weymouth
New Zealand.
They may seem unimportant and maybe even a waste of time, as she can’t see them, 
or a bunch of silliness. 
But to us, it’s a comfort that she isn’t being forgotten, especially the spontaneous pictures, they’re the ones we know that she is genuinely in somebody’s thoughts. 
We miss her terribly and nothing will ever change this; 
these photos mean so much to us, it’s a little tiny bit of comfort in a world that hurts. 
Thank you to each and every one who took the time to think and write our baby’s name this year. 
You’ll never know how much it means…
Melody Caitlyn 
26.2.2012 – 1-4-2012
Flying Solo

A Day of Hope…Project Heal

Prayer Flags 2014
To begin I will link to you about the project, courtesy of Carly Marie
For me it’s not about religion or prayer, as for me at the moment I’ve lost most form of belief in anything other than babies die, no reason, no understanding…they just die. 
So the project for me is about doing something for Melody, to honour her in her short life, and to raise awareness that is IS OK to say her name, to speak of her. 
I also like to include other babies too, there are so many people who have touched my life since 2012, just like including them in happy occasions, I feel including their babies is important too. 
I am far from creative, in fact mine will be no where near as beautiful as others in this project, but that is the thing, it isn’t a competition, there’s no prizes.
This was my first years, I had no thoughts to what I was doing, this was what swamped me.
“Broken” 
it had been 140 days – 20 weeks since she had taken her final breath, Broken would be the only word I could muster. 
The following year, (505 days)
I’d had time to adjust, time to think, it didn’t hurt any less but it was something I could sit with a little more comfortably. 
“Changed”
That was exactly that, I felt changed, still learning, still standing and of course breathing. 
As you can see far from creative. My older children, felt they had to join in too as you can see the middle couple of flags. They miss her too, and as I’ve said before there is no such thing as 
“at least you have other children” when you have to watch their thoughts of their sister too. 
2014
870 Days
“Melody 26.2 – 1.4”
Fairies and mystical, for our beautiful miniature. 
I wasn’t particularly um…. successful with the sewing, but I gave it a bloody good go! 
It’s not something you can really get someone else to do, it is in deed such a personal thing to do. 
Leading me to her siblings, yet again wanting a go. 
The top shirt was one my my eldest daughter, she had worn this at one of our charity events,
so she used it as her piece of fabric, she searched for a while for a fabric she wanted then she decided this.
The next one is my son’s again following his sister’s choice, he chose the shirt he wore to Melody’s funeral, he has worn it since, but it’s gotten too small. 
They both loved, LOVED doing them..far more artistic than me!
Our family hands All of us together surrounding her name. 
Together as a unit when there was no choice but to be brave, to be strong to live each day. 
Thankful and hopeful that with these people in this flag, it’s bound us even closer than ever before…
Honouring babies. 
These were shirts we brought, that would have been Melody’s size had she came home and lived, as she was premature, of course an option of two. We’ll never know this hurts…
“We CAN rule the world”
Smashing the child loss taboo
Breaking the silence.

Our baby lived, she existed. 
I will never stop saying her name.
Telling her story.
Melody Caitlyn born Sunday 26th February 2012 13:46 weighing 1lb 5oz (670g). 
She had blonde-red hair, smiley eyes. Ten fingers Ten toes.
She cried, she fidgeted, she hated having her nappy changed. Pulled NG tubes out 6-10 per 24 hours.
She once burped so loudly, the milk was pushed back out of the tube…
So no please don’t tell me to…. “move on” “she’s just a baby” “aren’t you over that yet?”
Melody Caitlyn died Sunday 1st April 2012 at 9:30 weighing 2lb 2oz. 
Ventilation removed at 9.20, not one single tear left her eyes. So peaceful, so silent, holding on until the end.
No more milk, no more nappy changing, no more fidgeting too much.
No more warmth, or newborn smell. 
Just…nothing..
Please don’t tell me she was “like a miscarriage”, or “that it’s OK, we have more children”
A Day of Hope.
I Am Still Standing.
I Am a Bereaved Mother.