Monthly Archives: July 2014

Breaking The Silence

Why are humans so cruel?
I have never understood, even before I became a bereaved mother, why humans feel the need to attack parents who have lost a child. 
I cannot for the life of me think why it is acceptable to be so cruel to parents who have lost a child. 
“Hide IT away” – They Say
“IT offends me” – They Say. 
“Photos of children no longer here is upsetting” 
Well of course it is upsetting, that parent has had to say goodbye to their child, their life only just beginning. 
Little thought goes in to how exactly a bereaved parent feels, when seeing these complaints.
No thought to someone who has had a stillbirth, watching listening to pregnancy ailments.
No thoughts to someone whose child died in infancy listening to the count down to the end of Summer.
Being bereaved, means you simply have to put up with it.
I’m am unsure as to why anyone would be offended by a parent proudly 
showing off the one photo they have.
What is there to be ashamed of?
When I put a photo of my baby, I’m not posting to upset anyone, to gain attention or to offend.
I show because she is my child, no amount of ignorance with change or erase this.
She existed.
If you’re shown a photo of someone’s precious lost baby, be honoured, don’t insult.
You have no idea how hard it is to show such a photo.
We have chosen to not show our “after” photos, not because we are ashamed, 
but to save the hurt of seeing someone insult our baby.
I guess we’re “lucky” (not the right word), our baby lived for a short time, we had photos.
There are too many who aren’t as lucky, who don’t have the choice, there aren’t many choices.
Do you know just how upsetting it is to have someone insult your child’s memory? For someone to say your baby is less than perfect because the have died, that person turns away or cringes when you mention their name,
It’s a type of pain that us as parents do not need.
Our baby was living, just because she’s not here she IS STILL perfect to us.
Being told to hide “it”, is where the taboo, the ignorance comes from.
Removing photos, stopping a bereaved parent from talking, ignoring a bereaved parent because your child lives, is not going to stop child/baby loss. 
Having a dead child is not contagious, it’s not catching, if you see one it won’t mean your baby will die. 
I do not understand why I would have to hide my baby away.
I wish I knew why people would want to hurt bereaved parents in this way
We’re regularly told to stop speaking or showing photos, attacked for doing what any natural parent would do, share their child.
I would never have said to my mother, to “Get over my dad” or “take photos down” or worse still, “That’s ok you can get another husband”
Yet it can be acceptable way to speak to someone who has buried their child.
It’s disrespectful.
I just hope that one day these people will never have to walk in these shoes..

Falling In Love All Over Again. Above and Beyond

Today it has been Two Years Three Months Two Weeks and Five Days, 
since the final day we smelt her baby smell
since we felt her warm breath on our cheeks. 
Her warm soft skin under our finger tips. 
120 weeks today since we heard the words 
“She will not survive”
(This one was when she was hours old, we don’t share her very early ones often, 
not because we’re ashamed, but we don’t want ignorance to insult her beautiful being)
Yet today, I am rediscovering our tiny baby all over again. 
Falling in love like it’s the first time I’m seeing her, 
only I’m still not having her in my arms, or that anything miraculous has happened. 
But a kind hearted friend, (Paul) offered the most beautiful gift 
the gift of us seeing Melody’s face, her whole face. 
It’s a strange notion that we had never seen her face ‘properly’ 
She stayed a lot in a blanket of tubes and wires, her face always had some kind of tube on it. 
Although she used to pull tubes (8 a day), because she was so mischievous!
She still had her vapotherm in. 
Don’t get me wrong we’re by far ungrateful for the photos of her we do have, we know we’re so ‘lucky’ to have them. But we had genuinely never seen her face with out tape. 
Even after death, after being in the care of undertakers, 
although she looked just beautiful she still had the tape. 
After a conversation on my other page, it unravelled that Paul would offer to ‘re-touch’ Melody’s photos. 
I chose three, (hard to chose) but didn’t expect him to do all three, he didn’t promise anything. 
The first one came a few days ago. 
To see her face like this left us emotional and speechless.
It’s actually hard to put into words, what seeing this photo meant. 
This morning I opened my mail to discover the remaining two that we had decided on. 
This was the first one
Her face no tubes not wires just daddy meeting his little girl. 
Our beautiful little girl. 
Finally…finally even the children are speechless with this one, 
we have the original on our wall as a canvas (Thanks to Jerry). 
This is the only one we have of the three of them, although it is missing Melody’s little sister, 
it is a favourite of mine. 
They loved Melody so much, and it still pains me that they had to go through this. 
Paul has gone above and beyond with this one, my boy even said 
“Was she at home?”
As you can see this is absolutely amazing, to give not only us a photo minus wires, 
but the children a more homely photo..
Thank you simply does not cut it, I cannot believe he has done such a thing, and will be forever grateful.
I’m off before I soak the keyboard!

Siblings, Remembering The Innocence.

Why couldn’t I have protected them too?
“At Least You Have Other Children”
Back in 2011, the year we had discovered that once again we were pregnant,
 that once again it would most likely be nothing more than a positive pregnancy test, just like the previous two. 
We knew nothing would be that easy. 
The weeks soon hit 12 weeks and I was still successfully pregnant, 
albeit hard work with ectopic fears along the way. 
We had literally watched the baby go from teeny, TINY cells, 
to nothing more than a baked bean, picture at 10 weeks, 
to a picture with arms and legs at 13. 
This was the year that we also didn’t tell our living children, 
we wanted to wait for “those magic” 12 weeks to hit, we knew the statistics, we were the statistics. 
Twelve weeks arrived and the suspense of telling them was over. 
They were to be a big brother and sister, 
Their faces beamed with excitement. 
“Can it be a boy? “
“No I want a sister” 
“Can we name it?”
The banter that they would indeed welcome a new baby in their unit.
Then their tiny sister was born early. They loved her instantly.
The oldest fascinated that her favourite cuddly toy was bigger than her sister.
They were close, well as close as they could be to her. 

Then, then they had to be told that their sister had died,
what parent would not only want to feel the pain, but watch the heartache unfold in their children’s eyes.
I wanted nothing more to protect them, and we did before 12 weeks.
They of course didn’t deserve it.
“Why did she have to die?”
“Why can’t she come back down on a ladder”
“Let us see her again”
Three questions, again of hurt. 
Fast forward to the next pregnancy, 
The”After Pregnancy”
Do we tell them anything at all, how can we protect them. 
A Surprise scan blew our cover, but neither were happy. 
There was no jumping for joy.
“Will this baby die too?”
“Will it come home?”
No big excitement, it was just words to them. 
And why would they believe anything I told them now?
The baby arrived, smiles and laughter resumed. 
Happy that their new baby would be coming home. 
A new baby that they could keep. 
To my relief they had somewhat relaxed. 
Only deep down, there remains a fear. 
Upon asking my nine year old, about the IDEA of another baby, 
I was met with this, 
“Only if it doesn’t die.” 
What 9 year old, should ever have to say these words?
To know that things end badly. 
Why couldn’t I have protected them from this?
I am so proud of these two children, these two children who learnt too quickly. 
These two children who are also proud to say..
“My Little Sister Is Melody and She lives In The Clouds”

Ten Things Aside From Grief

So I came across this article
Courtesy of Still Standing Magazine, so I thought I would have a go. 
We all know I like a mini challenge or two. 
The article brings something interesting, and something I can relate to. 
Being “The Baby Loss Mum” it separates you from normal parents, not just physically being seen
“she’s the one who lost a child” But for me being an outsider looking in, “Why aren’t people wanting full term births?” “Why aren’t they taking proper care of themselves?”
You can only raise awareness to those who want to be aware. 
Being a bereaved parent you kind of forget who you are. 
Should I smile, should I cry?
So this little project to be shared within the community.
10 Things About You

1.Where were you born and where do you live?
Well, I live in South Somerset in the UK and I was born in Exeter Devon.
2. What is your favourite food?
This I cannot decide so easily, ask anyone who truly knows me, they will tell you I like revolting combinations, Cauliflower Cheese and Custard!
But officially I would have to say Roast Lunch.
3. What is a strange fact about me?
I have slightly webbed toes! 
4. If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be?
Aside from the obviously family and friends, would either be Hugh Laurie or JK Rowling!
I would love to know how she writes and have a family, where my head turns to mush in no time at all!!
5. What are you reading now? 
Well I am bouncing between three, The Hobbit and Lupus Animus (A collection with a piece in by my husband!) And Empty Arms, a gift from a friend when I wasn’t feeling particularly great.  
6. What is your favourite Colour?
Pink! Although I am also drawn to yellow for our spring baby. 
7. Your Favourite Book?
Alice In Wonderland, love everything to do with this book.
8.Dream Job?
Writer, I have found a love in writing, something I can get lost in. 
9. Most amazing day of your life?
Aside from the children being born, it would be my husband proposing to me, torrential rain, was the most romantic thing I felt so amazing. 
10. Favourite Music?
Sara Ramierez’ version of The Story 
I Am Still Standing in Memory of Melody Caitlyn
26.2.12-1.4.12

I Wish I Could Find Comfort

Following a path, you have no idea where it leads to. 
Some steps lead to light, others more of the darker tones. 
The pretty poems, that are chanted in your direction, 
the simple phrases that are supposed to hold some comfort,
leaves you often looking for a different side. 
I wish I could find some comfort
In the beginning, we were shown the words 
“Too Beautiful for Earth.”
A wonderful sentiment, brings so much comfort by so many,
for the person supporting and of course the grieving. 
I already had children, are they not beautiful?
I wish I could find some comfort. 
“She follows us where ever we go”, 
“Don’t think of her as in the ground, she’s not there, her spirit isn’t there”. 
“She’s gone from her body.”
But you see when I visit her, 
I watched the undertakers place her in the ground, 
I don’t remember any one removing her from her tiny box, 
her forever bed. 
She is there, no where else but there. 
I wish I could find comfort, that she isn’t there. 
I have always followed the concept of Rainbow babies, 
Angels, fluffy clouds, and heaven. 
Truth be told for me, I’m not sure what sits right. 
Angels, playing in the clouds harps and singing pretty songs.
Fluffy clouds, white and cosy, there’s no where else they should be. 
A place in heaven waiting for me, until we meet again, 
the order of this is wrong, a parent saying goodbye to their child. 
It’s not how it’s supposed to be. 
I wish I could find comfort. 
I love the idea of something good, something beautiful from the pain, 
I’ve found friendships and of course lost friendships, 
but losing her hasn’t lessened.
A Rainbow Baby, the calm after the storm, the special one.
Rainbows come after a storm. 
The storm is far from over, a piece is still missing, and will always will be. 
A Lighter Baby Instead
Yet I still can’t fully find the comfort in this. 
Her sister and brother, don’t quite get a label, “Sunshine babies” “Before the storm”
I still have them, they still have a sister who died. 
Separated as the before and after children,
the ones who met her, from the ones who didn’t
They can’t take comfort in this. 
We all have ways of finding comfort in many different things. 
In fact I find it a comfort to hear people’s special and personal ways.
I Just Wish I could Find Comfort Too. 
Our Baby Died, there’s no comfort in that.

Please Bear With Me…

I know, to the people who truly understand, I don’t need to be writing this.
Please bear with me, I’m not well but I’m far from ill. I’m not really sad, but a long way from being ecstatic.
The insensitive words I can’t bear to hear. The naivety that makes me feel less of a person. Less than perfect. It’s not something I wish for right now.
Over the past few days I have had some truly amazing messages of love and support, and strongly believe that these wonderful thoughts are making things feel lighter, only this time it’s taking me longer to re-surface. But I know I will get there.
I know who will be there to stand, hold my hand firm, and stop me from going too far under.
But for now, thank you to those who can handle me at my worst, because at my best you know, it’s something worth waiting for.
Thank you John for staying home with me, holding me through my sobs
To the lovely lady and her wise words on water.
For the hugs, the thoughts and the prayers.
For those who can’t handle me at the moment, please just walk away because you’re not doing me any good.
I need people to make me smile, to make me cry laughing. To hold my hand listen and to show they are listening.
Not to hold my hand to use my words against me, for your own personal gain.
When life throws lemons, make lemonade a mixer for Pimms perfect for sharing with loved ones, through the absolute awful wretched days to the amazing unplanned days.

Thank you, I’m just sorry you understand more than many will ever know.