Monthly Archives: June 2014

A Christmas Interrupted

The bikes,
The trikes,
The twinkling lights.
The empty stockings,
That are pinned up there.
This is the year you should have been,
Going to your first festive parties,
Sitting on Santa’s knee.
Pulling his beard wondering if it’s real.
The wrapping paper, being less important this year
The wonder that is inside.
Your face changing as the magic unfolds.
But instead you are part of the magic
An imagination
That’s all I have.
Make believe
This year is no different to last
You’re still not here,
An empty space.
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Dear Melody,
A second Christmas
Once again we’re hitting the Christmas season, a time where you should be here.
Pulling the tree down, poking the presents;
you’d have been 22months so the wonder inside the presents
would have been almost as important as the paper.
It’s not just Christmas,
we miss you every single day,
but it’s a time where there is an obvious hole, and empty space.
People think because we have your little sister we should be better,
be healed.
We were never ill.
Having a rainbow just reminds us that you are not here.
Touching the tree delicately, poking the presents because you don’t know what they are.
You’ll never feel tinsel between your fingers,
You’ll never meet Santa,
Or taste Brussels sprouts.
You’ll never get the chance to party
To pull a cracker and hear it bang,
Your mummy, daddy brother and sisters miss you
I wish you were here,
I wish things were different.
I wish
I wish……

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Thirty One Sunset. But instead I am lost for words

I said I wouldn’t post…
Today should have been
Sunset.
But instead
It saddens me to say
The baby loss community has once again
been thrown into darkness.
The event page was attacked by non bereaved parents,
over flowing into other forums too.
Vile comments on photos.
Abuse on non photographic posts.
Attacked.
I’ve never shared pictures of Melody after she died,
Not because I am ashamed,
I am proud.
But I am ‘lucky’ enough I have pictures of her alive.
Had I not I would probably look at them.
To the parents who do I am in awe of.
I hope that one day I can.
Then there are the nasty comments.
When the comments hit at your child,
Do people not realise how devastating it is to hear,
that your baby  to everyone else is less than perfect.
But offending a non-grieving parent wasn’t in the plan
when we heard the words
“Melody will not survive”
This was not to offend.
I have been called a “fucking weirdo”
Not for sharing a photo.
Not because I chose to stand up for my community.
but because I am a bereaved mum.
Attacked because my baby died.
Does this not get shitty enough without people
with absolutely no understanding, telling us how to grieve.
I am ashamed.
As I look back on the past 29 days.
I felt so proud to be sharing my journey
with people who aren’t bereaved parents.
To see people say how much they have loved reading.
Thank you to those who have read and commented.
And followed.
Will I be here next year?
Doubtful, the negativity set me back a little.
I’ve not a sunset picture.
But a Halloween one.
Because after all this project has up until today
been….
In Loving Memory
of
Melody Caitlyn

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Thirty Growth

Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby?
How?
How do you see other people now?
How do you see the world?
Do you believe you have a higher purpose?
Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?
To be honest I don’t know if I have grown as a person.
I’m guessing that would be for the people closest to decide.
I know that since 1st April 2012
I have changed.
Somebody who has had to switch off their own child’s life support.
Isn’t going to be the same.
For me I see things differently.
I’ve had to see people walk away
Hear people tell me “Isn’t it about time you got over it”
It hasn’t just been about losing Melody
though this will be forever the most important in this aspect.
But seeing people not realising how their actions,
or at times lack of actions effect this path too
I hope I am a little more sensitive to others,
I know I have become a little sensitive,
noticing more people’s selfish ways.
I have more tolerance to things.
But at the same time have found a new intolerance to unnecessary dramas.
I see the beauty in things, where as before things I took for granted.
More aware of everything around me.
I’ve learned to smile again.
And even laugh.
While still at this moment in time
learning to keep my head up high.
People told me a year ago I would smile again.
And here I am
smiling……

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Twenty Nine Healing

Day 29 Healing.
Amongst people who don’t understand would see this word as if I was broken, or needed fixing.
I DON’T.
I am apparently still new to this child loss community,
though again to the outside world (though not everyone)
it has been 18 months and I should indeed be “healed”
My c-section scar was last re-opened 7 months ago, but before that was Melody.
On the surface it has “healed” it was expected to be perfectly healed 3 months after the first cut.
Yet every now and again I get pains in it like it was only yesterday I’d had it done.
I can go weeks with out it effecting me,
I can go my daily life with it far from my mind, but in my thoughts.
But this is understood it was after-all major abdominal surgery.
It still hurts…..
Resting Painkillers help me through these days.
For those “first cut” days for Melody, to help me out of bed,
to paint a smile are indeed these people in this picture.
I often get asked how I do it, how to be strong? How to get out of bed…..
These guys.
These guys are my ‘paracetamol’,
my ‘special creams’
to help heal the days that are quite simply….crap.
The other healing tool is
TALKING,
talking about her,
talking about normal every day gossip.
As long as I have these, these will help me heal….
whenever that may be
I’m not broken just changed xx

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Twenty Eight

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Today is Special Place
so top of the list would have to be her bedside,
this was taken on her 1st birthday.
The stone was finally fixed the day before her birthday.
It was such a heartbreaking thing to  have to do,
Where we should have been buying her a ball pool
and watching her play with the wrapping paper.
Instead we were decorating her grave.
We found a new found excitement at awaiting her headstone.
The pictures on the website, did not give it justice,
so for it to be this perfect was just amazing!
We are about to argue about getting curbing stone.
When we applied for permission for her stone,
we were told due to maintenance we couldn’t have a curbing,
yet there is other curbing at other graves.
Melody is the first baby in the “new” baby section, she is the only one.
But she in fact doesn’t get maintained very well at all.
And the bushes and grass is regularly over grown.
So if we can find the right support we’ll get her her curbing, so we can make her garden beautiful.
Seems so unfair that this is what we have to fight about,
a baby’s grave,
I wish it was normal things we had to decide for Melody.
 30
Then there’s actually the place where Melody was alive.
Her smell, her warmth.
Although due to my PTSD the place gives me great anxiety and fear.
And I hate the place….
As long as I can just think concentrate on the nicer moments, this can be put down as a special place.
This picture was when she was actually in the less dependent part of the NICU.
She was 30 days old here,
2 spaces away from going in to the growing room (SCBU).
She never made it.
camera!!!!!! 017
Lastly we have
Croyde in North Devon
It is such a beautiful beach and I feel so very close to Melody there.
Though a busy beach it is at the same time extremely peaceful.
We all love it there
xx

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Twenty Seven Signs

Day 27: Signs.
Last year this was a little easier to flow with this one.
Feathers every time I had my Cruse appointment, as if Melody knew I was talking about her.
But I suppose I am in a different place this year.
Where I’ve not a lot of belief in this type of things.
Here are some things I did or occasionally find a sign from Melody.
We’ve a picture of an outing we had had, and one section was called Melody Close.
Rain a sign that she quite possibly having fun with the hose pipes
(which I’m sure after the weather forecast, I won’t be thanked for that one  )
The yellow rose in our new garden, not planted by us, but is her colour.
There is a pink one too…
Her way of demanding she have HER colour in our garden.
The next picture was of us letting off balloons on her first due date,
there is actually an extra speckle to the balloons,
i like to believe it was her coming to collect them.
And of course finally Rainbows, in more ways than one! 
melody and me logo

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Twenty Six Community

Day Twenty Six of Capture Your Grief 2013 – Community.
The baby loss community is so important to me,
I feel so proud to know such inspirational families.
To get up in the mornings and smile, is inspirational enough.
and have mentioned before the support I have found within it.
So today I am going to share a piece I wrote for a blog
lossthroughthelookingglass.blogspot.co.uk
I felt this is our community all over

The Secret Superheroes 

I don’t remember chasing a funny white rabbit, 
Neither did I fall down a magical hole;
Entering a dream that is undoubtedly never ending.
The Muggles versus the Wizards.
Superman and Clark Kent.
Bruce Wayne and Batman.
The Mother versus the Bereaved Mother. 
Only the final one didn’t give me Super Powers,
Our poison isn’t as simple as Kryptonite.
And we certainly can’t hide behind a cape and costume.
Like The Superheroes we have to be careful who we reveal our secrets to.
 
We’re not deadly.
But somehow we come across as terrifying
Though we don’t get given a wand 
Or even lessons on how to use our “powers” 
But we’re expected to know how to use them.
Our magical powers is living
With child sized hole in our hearts.
Expected to read minds,
To know who we can speak to, 
How far we can take the conversation. 
Is it easier to say 3 or 4?
Who am I trying to save?
Save people “normals” from the entirety of a pain,
But saving them by raising awareness so they never have to 
Endure this journey.
 
You could say we’re The Avengers 
No two parents’ loss is the same
But we all have the power to save
The strength to break the thick wall of silence
Our magical power is
Breathing
 
xxxxx
community

Source: Google

Thank you for reading.

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Twenty Five #Sayitoutloud

Basically today is about what we would say if were to be involved with The Still Project Video.
Saying it honestly, and exactly how it is.
Well I have put some things down.
But not everything.
We have things to think on, things to keep private for now.
If we dared to say it out loud,
I think there would be a shock!
Because I wouldn’t stop!
So here is my entry for today’s topic
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Melody is not a miscarriage
I have had 3 my self,
but to call Melody a miscarriage is unacceptable. I cuddled fed changed this baby, she cried for nappy changes.
And fought with the cardiologist while he put jelly on her chest
She may never have come home, but she was not a miscarriage. 
She stayed and played for 5 weeks….35 days.
She is a sister.
Her big sister and brother are not afraid to mention Melody
so please don’t avoid her name in front of them.
They don’t have to talk about her all the time, but they know who she is
Do not include them in your Taboo.
Your silence will not deter them.
Her little sister will speak her name too.
She should have come home.
No need to explain this one really,
because if I begin to say how I really feel on this.
I will not stop….
I won’t stop talking about her.
If it makes you feel awkward, then don’t bother.
walk away
We didn’t lose Melody to annoy people, but the same
we won’t hide her away.
I will chose her every single time…
Don’t assume
Don’t assume if you mention her, I am going to curl up in a ball and cry
or cry in the middle of the street.
I like it when you do mention her name,
it means that you are keeping her in your thoughts
Don’t assume my house or by me visiting Melody is obsessive or a shrine
We have things that you will never ever see or even know,
Don’t assume that she died “just because she was premature”
There’s no “just because” about it….it is a lot more than that…
Say it out loud
I have had 3 miscarriages
And
1 Neonatal Death…

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Twenty Four Artwork

Artwork
Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death?
Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honour your baby?
Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.
Today I am including all the wonderful Graphics I have had made by another baby loss mum.
Christmas ones, Halloween even Melody and her Minions!
Also Sand pictures, She’s had her name in Cape Town, Germany, Dorset, Somerset, Italy even L.A
They mean so much to me and they mean even more
when we don’t have to ask,
because this means someone has her in their thoughts at that moment.
May be only writing in the sand to some people but to us,
it’s creating some kind of memory for Melody,
she is our baby.
Because she should be the one to have sand in her toes
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The other pictures are my first ever attempts at drawing the children.
I know they need a lot of tweaking, but for a first attempt
I love them.
I want a picture of all four of them together, and this will be the only way.
Maybe even attempt to have Melody minus her tubes
xxxx

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Twenty Three Tattoos and Jewellery

Day 23 Tattoos and Jewellery.
I’ve not had a print necklace done just yet, I’ve not found the perfect one.
And Tattoo, I am waiting patiently!
So for today for me its pieces of jewellery that remind me of Melody.
We have a picture of me and my rainbow wearing matching bracelets on her christening day….
Melody is buried with the third one on her wrist.
I wear on special occasions as I am terrified of losing it or it getting broken, it is irreplaceable.
A little locket with baby feet (not Melody’s) on the front, given to me (again) by my old Birth Board, from a forum we use.
At the bottom is a musical note, perfect for our little Melody!
Day 23 Tattoos and Jewellery. I've not had a print necklace done just yet, I've not found the perfect one. And Tattoo, I am waiting patiently! So for today for me its pieces of jewellery that remind me of Melody. We have a picture of me and my rainbow wearing matching bracelets on her christening day....Melody is buried with the third one on her wrist. I wear on special occasions as I am terrified of losing it or it getting broken, it is irreplaceable. A little locket with baby feet (not Melody's) on the front, given to me (again) by my old BB from a forum we use. At the bottom is a musical note, perfect for our little Melody!